Thinking Feeling

Ok, I don't know exactly how to say what it is right now that I am feeling, so I am just going to say it.

I feel like I am destined for great things.

Even in my "struggles" (And I "quote" that because, compared to many in this world, my struggles would be a walk in the park!) I still have hope. Like, I don't know when or how (Like, seriously, HOW?!?) I'm going to get through some of these labyrinth pathways that are forced in front of me, but I can see a light coming from somewhere!

I'm an artist. I know, it's hard to see, seeing I dropped -- err, flunked (heh heh ... ) out of art college. And what have I done in the past year since being out of school? Oh, maybe a painting. But I still feel called to it. Well, I feel called to something ... I dunno. Just called.

All I know is that God is far from finished with me. And He's taking care of me. And He's got great things in store for me! And I also know that I desperately need to get in touch with Him again. Because, I miss Him. And I am sure He misses me more than I could ever know.

And then these things, like being better to my body -- the temple of His Holy Spirit; and putting less value in secular consumerist things, and more value in genuine relationships, and love, and joy (!!) will come much easier. At least I hope.

And these worries, and these desires of my heart, like a husband, a family, a home of my own, a garden to provide for my family, they'll all come.

I think I know where I have to start. I'm signed up for the Intro to Health Basics Class, and I'm going to join Pottery. But I need a better handle on my finances, this I know! And, most importantly, I need to get back in with the church. I've found a church I like! And I go every other Sunday -- because right now that's all I get off! But I need a community again. And, it's not surprising that this is the hardest of these challenges for me to face right now. (Ok, so maybe the finances too ... but I know what I have to do there! And it's just plain ol' not be stupid!)

...

So sorry if I lost you in all this mess. Believe it or not though, for me, it kinda helped.

... I think,

Yeah, we'll leave it at that.

Good Day, Bad Day

Wow, I have had a long blur of a day! I'll share -- what I can remember of it -- with you ... let's start with the good news!

Today was my first day at a new job -- well, half day. I am now an associate at the PictureMe Portrait Studio in Wal-Mart! I am very excited about this, as I love kids first of all, and I love photography! I'm excited to learn all kinds of tips and tricks about taking good portraits! I pretty much just got to shadow today, but getting to know some of the other people I will be working with was great -- we seem to get along pretty well already!

Now onto some bad news for the day ...

I knew the day was coming too. See, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today, to review some bloodwork I had done last week. And all my bloodwork came back perfectly normal, which is a good thing, except he told me that I --

Need.
To lose.
Weight.

... lots.

Weight and body image has always been something I've struggled with -- and wanted to do something about -- but have never really actually done anything about it! But now I have a stack of homework to read, and papers to keep track of my diet on, and a food guide to follow, and labels to read, and exercise to track! Wow, it all seems so overwhelming right now!

Any encouragement and advice you have for me would be great -- oh! And I also want to ask for any easy-to-make, inexpensive, and healthy recipes you may have! (I say inexpensive because my sister and I rent together, and share the food bill.)

I'll blog about this again in a couple days -- I'm gonna get Sister to take some "Before" photos of me, and I might share those too. (I'm just trying to be real about it, right?) I'll share numbers, what I got from my "homework" and what I have planned. Ok? Ok!

Talk soon!

Stuff!!

I've been inspired recently by various articles on Boundless, and TIME's Cheapskate Blog -- which exact articles, I don't quite remember -- to take up a simpler life. Oh, and let's not forget to mention George Carlin's talk about "stuff!"

(This is a great video, BTW. One I never would have found had it not been for my Dad's impression of Carlin's Hippy Dippy Weather Man.)

(Note: I also found this article on the TIME website, published last year!)

That's right, we're talking about "stuff" here. Now I am more than willing to admit: I have a lot of stuff! And I've become more aware of it. It has become more apparent to me in recent months (and years, decluttering from my childhood.) that a lot of my stuff is useless, pointless, or really unnecessary.

I was introduced to an idea: what if I were to downsize all my personal possessions to only 100 items? Some of you are thinking, sounds easy enough! while others, Ha! Gooooood luck! Luck may be what I need, along with some wisdom, and anti-consumeristic thinking! This may be the exact solution to my "Stuff Problem" that I've been searching for!

Further Googleing revealed to me that this movement called "The 100 Thing Challenge" was spurred by David Bruno; it's "[his] little way of personalizing [his] efforts to fight consumerism." (You can follow his efforts over at his blog.) David also has a Facebook Group devoted to the "100 Thing Challenge", along with a Fan Page! You are encouraged to check these out!

And, of course, let's not forget, it's not earthly possessions that make our hearts truly happy!

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
[Matthew 6:19-21 (NIV)]

So, what's next in this process of downsizing my stuff to only 100 things? I'll need to make some rules and guidelines. Keep reading!

My Life: Barenaked Ladies Style!

So I stole this fun little survey from Facebook -- via Keila. (thankyou Keila!) And apparently I have to answer questions of "my life" with the names of songs written by a favourite band; so I chose the Barenaked Ladies -- of course I chose the Barenaked Ladies!! So, here we go!


Are you male or female?: I'll Be That Girl

How do you feel?: Some Fantastic

Describe where you currently live: The Old Apartment

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?: Crazy

Your favorite form of transportation: In The Car

Your best friend is: It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)

You and your best friends are: Have You Seen My Love?

What's the weather like?: Allergies

Favorite time of day: Snacktime!

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?: Life, in a Nutshell

What is life to you?: Beautiful

You biggest fear: What a Letdown

What is the best advice you have to give?: Rule the World with Love

Thought for the Day: Thanks, That Was Fun

How you would like to die: When I Fall

Your soul's present condition: Unfinished

Most Faithful Companion: Maybe Katie

Your Motto: The Humour of the Situation


So, there you have it! This was really fun, and I feel very creative!

He's Blunt

More and more lately I've been feeling the challenge of just trusting God more--wholeheartedly--and hearing what he is saying to me. So, in lieu of that, I have a story!

In the summer of grade 10 I was faced with a difficult decision; where I wanted to go for grade 11. I was in such a position that I could wake up for the first day of class, and catch the bus to the school to the north, or the one to the school to the south. Having been going to the school in the north for a year already, I wasn't sure if I really liked it, and was not happy to hear that they were cutting their art program. I had a few friends that went to the south school, and knew the principal quite well, as he was my elementary and junior high principal.
It was the last day of summer vacation, and my father confronted me and said, "I really wish you'd go back to said school, I think you're making a wrong choice to be switching schools ..." and I was very shocked. I thought about it all day, and that night I asked my mom, "what do I do?"
"Well," she replied, "I don't know; that is your choice." It had been a long day, and I was tired, and confused, so I just prayed to God, and said.
"God, you know what is best for me; let me know what I am to do in the morning--and make it clear, because sometimes it's hard for me to tell when you are speaking to me." And then I went to sleep ...
"Tammy?" my mom woke me in the morning, "Are you okay with catching a ride to school with Brette and her mom this morning? I can't get you [south] to the bus stop."
"Yeah, okay mom." I replied; God had answered my prayer--bluntly at that--and it was as good of an answer as ever for me. I went to that south school--to the disapproval of my father; ended up taking art all through high school, and got encouragement from my peers to pursue it along the way--took it as God's call and decided to follow it. I heard about ACAD from my guidance counsellor, and went to the portfolio review day with my portfolio--that was really just a throw-together--and got it approved that day! Looking back, one could say that my mom just assumed or decided for me. But look at the results! There was definitely--without a doubt--a higher power working there! Often I am just so amazed at how God works in my life. Because of this, I do know that God wants me to pursue my art--even if I don't know in what way yet! He'll tell me in time. It's weird how things that seem so small at first add up in God's scheme of things.

The moral of the story is: God talked to me, as he talks to us all. And He will talk to us in whatever way works, because it is His desire to be able to talk to us. He loves us with this ... amazing, never ending love--If you loved someone in the way that God loves us, wouldn't you do anything in your power to break that communication barrier with them, so you could talk to them and be with them? I know I would, and my love is nothing compared to God's love.

Part of this, though, is just trusting when God is talking to you, and where he is leading you in life. I thought about this a lot today--as I have been thinking about this a lot lately--and was able to openly admit that I need to work on this. I said I was ready to step up to the challenge, and God heard me ...
Half an hour later I got an email about a house that will be available to rent right around the time that the lease where I am currently renting is expiring. The rate was very favourable, so I called the girl that sent me the email, and I got in touch with the landlord--what a blessing, I thought, it will be available right when I need it, and it will be more affordable! But, it turns out it wasn't the blessing I had hoped. She didn't want to rent to me because of my age, and advised me that she was planning to raise the rent as soon as the current tenants are gone.

As discouraging as that was, I was okay with it, because I knew that God was still talking to me. He told me flat-out no. Am I okay with that? Of course I am, He knows what is best. I will just keep trusting him, and looking towards His guidance. Sometimes, yes, He opens doors wide open for us--like God did for me by sending me to ACAD--but sometimes He slams them right shut. God will be blunt if he has to be. It's seemed to work for me so far!

Lord, I am listening, help me learn to hear you more; it's okay if you have to be blunt.

If Walls Could Talk

Well, I can't believe that I've put off talking about this for this long already, as it's been five days since I've found out ...

My mom sold her restaurant. I don't know why this came as so much of a shock when I first heard it, because she'd been trying to sell it for a year, and had had three other people interested in it before this person that has bought it. Maybe it's because she's owned it for five years--and worked in it for three years unde the previous owner before that.
So my first reaction was "Wow!", as I am a woman of a lot of words. Heh, I didn't have a lot to say. So I asked my mom, "what are you gonna do now?" (clean her house she told me!) She's dedicated so much of the past five years to that place--running a facility like that is no easy thing, and the only "hired" people she had were my sisters and myself ... and my dad, of course--it was a family effort.

So she hands over the keys tomorrow; I am so totally bummed. I mean, I know that my mom needs a break, but just the fact that next time I go home, it won't be mine anymore.

I tried to think of the last time I was in there earlier this week, and it took me a few days to remember: my dad's birthay. I went back--unbeknownst to him--and we had a little birthday party for him. He was so suprised to see John and me. Ha ha, and then that cake that Vanessa and Andrew decorated!! And the welding rod that we thought was a sparkler.

I've really had some good times in that place. We used to sit in there and play cards after closing, and Lysa and I would get laughing so hard, I'd have to walk out just to get some fresh air and calm down. And then I'd walk back in and just start laughing all over again. And then there's the "I'm sucha good kid ... pet me!" incident. Ha ha.
And then there's my dad and I eating fries, and he's point away and go, "what's that over there?!" And I'd look and go "what?" and he'd steal a fry, and I'd laugh. I fell for that over and over. I'm pretty sure it was intentional.
Mom used to let us have our youth group meetings in there too. We'd all sit at the coffee table and drink coffee and play cards. One time, we loaded John Tilson's coffee with sugar when he was in the washroom, and he came back and put more in; ohh man! And Robert making a milkshake, and not taking it off the blender properly; he spilled it all over the kitchen floor!
We used to come in with our rollerblades too, and mom would yell at us: "Get out of here with your blades on!!" So then we'd have to truck home and put our shoes on. Sometimes we could sneak in and just sit down while she was in the kitchen though. Then we'd get up to leave and we'd get that glare!
I used to sit in there and do homework, do a puzzle, do some dishes (yuck!) Always jumping up and getting people menus and coffee. Coffee times were the best ...
Ladies coffee was at 8:00 AM, then coffee again at 10:00 AM, and at 3:00 PM. They always came at the same time and would talk about who is getting married, who's sick, who's passed away--general small town gossip. Often I'd just sit and listen, and one of them would tease me a little, or ask me a question once in a while. Doug Henry would sit in his usual corner, smoking his cigarette, asking "what day is it?" many, many times. Sam Kidd would tell his jokes, but never really care to hear anyone else's. Larry Cheshire would usually just sit quietly. They used to flip their loonies and toonies to see who would take all the money up to the till, and get to keep the change--which was 99% of the time left as a tip anyway; but eventually that ceased, and they would just leave their loonies on the table and leave. Such a laid back atmosphere; sometimes one of the guys would stand up from the table and get the coffee pot himself! They all knew they were welcome to help themselves, but if they didn't feel comfortable doing so for whatever reason, they would ask and we would be happy to get them a refill. Only in a small town ...
In more recent years--particularly when Vanessa was a baby, and just learning to crawl--we (Lysa and I that is) used to have baby races. We would put Vanessa on one side of the restaurant, and run to the other with a timer, and time how long it took her to get to us. She'd always arrive with this huge smile on her face. When Andrew arrived, and they both grew a little more, we used to play "hide and seek" Usually this entailed hiding behind a chair, under a table, behind the counter, or behind the curtains by the patio window. Auntie Tammy often played along too. Later it was Vanessa running around yelling, "Zazu!! Where are you?!" and he would giggle and run away--she could very clearly see him, but would pretend she couldn't.
And then there was that Valentine's Day that John asked my mom if he could use the restaurant for a date for us. He decorated it up just for me, and cooked me supper, and we just enjoyed the time to ourselves; dancing and just ... celebrating. Of course, when I arrived, I knew none of this was going on, so I was really suprised and touched. It was the best.
Most recently was the Settlers tradition: Marianne and G would come over with the Hellman's, and I'd make some fries, and we would sit and drink coffee and eat fries and Hellman's mayo, and play a game or two of Settlers, and often make plans to do it again the next night.

So, really it's not hard to see why I am going to miss the place so much. It's going to be hard to go back and walk in to that place and not have it as mine anymore. I wonder if I'll have the guts to walk in there at all, actually. I actually used to wish that my mom would sell that place just so she could be home more, but now I realize how much I will miss it. I may not have free coffee anymore, but I have memories that will last forever.

If walls could talk, five years worth of that little cafe's story would be about us.